in which: the darkness trembles

I've struggled this week.

~

In the words of dear Lois,

"It sounds like you need courage."

And I do.

It's been hard to pin point that fact... for years, really. I need courage for so many things. The courage to go to school; find a job that I'm not just settling for. The courage, dare I say it, to get married? 

The courage to take responsibility for myself.

That's what it's time for.

That, and allowing for God to really show me what He is truly capable of.

~

"I am above nothing." "Things could be so much worse." 

&

"Because there is a God, things will always get better."

~

These are mottoes I've lived by my entire life. And to an extent, they've gotten me through. I have worked just about anywhere that would hire me. I've done everything from getting paid to pick up dog crap to running my own department on a film set. I've also served hundreds of cups of coffee and washed probably thousands of dishes. 

So what's the sudden issue?

I started doing these things (minus the film set gig) when I was 18. Now, I'm 23 and I was just washing dishes yesterday, at a cafe, paying me part time minimum wage.

*vomit*

Maybe this shouldn't bother me as much as it does. I was still humble enough to accept it a month ago when I was interviewed on the spot. I'm not sure how to make this sound like I'm not ungrateful. Because God knows- I AM! Work is hard to find right now. But you know what, it isn't for my Father. And I just feel like these last near 6 years have flown by and I'm in the same(ish) spot I was when I started. 

Granted, my heart has changed. My preferences, views & experiences have all changed. 

But I'm ready to move on now. 

I'm not 18 anymore and I have a say in where my life is headed.

EIGHTEEN

-living with other people

-not in school

-earning minimum wage

-no licence

-no car

-no boyfriend

-not in church

TWENTY THREE

-living with other people

-not in school

-earning minimum wage

-licence and insurance

-awesome car

-dating the man I'm going to marry

-attending the best church I've ever been a part of

So some things are definitely going right. Important things, thankfully. 

And I believe God is looking to bless me even further this year. 

I feel a shift in my spirit ~ like it's time for school. At the very least, like it's time to up the annie. Time for a job that will help me in the direction of my dreams.

It's a good feeling :)

I am

Olli

{ps}

This has made my life a lot easier today. I usually use any ole scrap laying around but that usually gets lost or thrown away. Not to say that this one won't too, but download it for free anyway! To-Do List created by A Pair of Pears.com