in which: i need a break

I'm not sure why it's so hard for me to stick to daily goals. Habits have always been the hardest thing for me to try to build. Bad habits? Super easy to form, like without even trying. Good habits or habits that help me accomplish things? Hellooooo procrastination! It's so easy to get distracted and want to waste time on things that won't get me anywhere. Then later, I come down on myself or worry about all the things I want to do with my life and stare in fear as the time passes and I don't get any closer.

I'm sick of it.

I think I need a sabbatical of some sort. I think I need to lose Wall-E for a while (my laptop). More than that though, I think I need God and that I need to just make a decision. ANY DECISION. If it's in my heart - do it. No more fear of the time it will take to accomplish it or the money it will take to get there. Just pick something and trust God to meet me in the midst of it and trust that He will provide. 

"Don't give up on your dreams because of the time it will take to accomplish them. 

The time will pass anyway."  

Earl Nightingale

Not that I've been very good at keeping up with blog anyway, but I think I may disappear for a while. I'm not sure for how long and I'm not sure entirely what all I'll be cutting out of my life that has been such a distraction, but much of it has been my addiction to aimlessly surfing the web. Facebook and Pinterest mainly, but also blog surfing too. I need a break. My future depends on it. I want to rekindle the passions that are in me for a reason and actually begin to DO things. SEE things, BECOME things, EXPERIENCE things. 

It's about time.

I am

Olivia

in which: this is the art i live

It took me most of the day to decide what I wanted to write about as the art I live. The more I thought about it though, when I think of how God reveals himself in my day to day life, it's so obvious.

Sharing.

I love sharing myself with people. Especially women.

I love the build up of a great story.

Memories of the past are so vivid... it's like I'm standing in my childhood home again. Reliving the pain of this break-up or the laughter of that hilarious road trip. The skip in my spirit the day we met...

I love the instant bond a story can seal between those who share a similar experience.

For all the years I felt alone in situations with my family, ex-boyfriends, school... it was so astonishing for me to eventually discover how many people had lived, or were living the same things I did. It was like the more I shared, the more people began to come out of the woodwork in opening up about their own experiences.

Things I was once so ashamed of and didn't dare whisper... have turned out to be the things my friends have most benefited from hearing. I feel like God has set me on this mission of helping the world see,

you are not alone.

The need to share flows out of me like a songbird bursting with glorious song. 

May it never leave me.

And may the Father of Lights never cease to meet me where I am.

Where we are.

I am

Olli

*post inspired by Emily Freeman and her amazing work at Chatting At The Sky*

in which: we begin

Photos from my first Texas Master Naturalist class!!

This binder is massive and super heavy.

Me taking notes like the badass student I am. 

Or hope to be anyway :)

 The presentation on Edwards Aquifer was actually very interesting though. Most everything we were taught came from this site, created by Gregg Eckhardt, who also did the presentation. 

www.edwardsaquifer.net

>>>>>>><<<<<<<

We've had a few classes since this one and although not everything we discuss is fascinating (ok, some of it's downright boring...), I've made a couple friends who are into the green thumb, nature-loving, save the planet things I'm into :) And next week ~ we'll be studying Ornithology!!! 

On a side note, yesterday I turned down an opportunity to go to a beginners course on Falconry. I had work and the place it was held was about an hour & a half away and... the more I think about it the more bummed I am that I didn't just call in to work!!! I found out about it the night before though so... NEXT TIME.

I am

Olli

in which: it's true

"There are two spiritual dangers in not owning a farm.

One is supposing that breakfast comes from the 

grocery, and the other that heat comes from the furnace."

Aldo Leopold

in which: we will overcome

Been feeling kind of like this lately...

Still truckin though. Drinking Emergen-C like it's going out of style & gettin better since Dori's been feeding me Advil. Grasping the hang of things at Whole Foods and have one week left at Hastings. Beth is doing better and starts her first big day of Physical Therapy today! Meals and childcare are being worked out and I'll be glad to have more time to contribute once I'm back to working one job again. 

If you'd like to keep up with her progress, here is a link to the site Thomas (her husband/my pastor)is updating just about everyday:

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/bethhernandez/?ref=nl

~

I've been having strange dreams. Not scary, but frustrating. I think it's the fever and perhaps the Lord telling me something. Speaking of fever, I really need to go shower. Sweated through the night and now I'm all sticky! In other (more exciting) news, 

Fall is (mostly) here!!

More pumpkins

More hawk sightings 

More color

More FOOD!

God is so good. He turns all the bad into triumphant, glorious stories. I will get better, Fall will come, the worlds will keep turning, we will all keep breathing & Beth will walk again.

We will overcome.

Let our souls praise Him.

I am

Olli

in which: it's something sweet

Our first Christmas together.

It's an interesting thing to feel so good about a person for "so long".

It hasn't been long at all, really. One year and it's flown by.

~

Tonight Peanut drove me home after church. Nothing fancy or out of the norm.

Quite mundane, you could even describe it.

But constant are these displays of his affection, his strength, his devotion. 

The simplest event is an adventure; the smallest gift a treasure.

HE LOVES ME.

Even now... it's a gift to realize it.

This love we share...

it's something sweet.

I know no other way to explain it.

I am

Olli

in which: the darkness trembles

I've struggled this week.

~

In the words of dear Lois,

"It sounds like you need courage."

And I do.

It's been hard to pin point that fact... for years, really. I need courage for so many things. The courage to go to school; find a job that I'm not just settling for. The courage, dare I say it, to get married? 

The courage to take responsibility for myself.

That's what it's time for.

That, and allowing for God to really show me what He is truly capable of.

~

"I am above nothing." "Things could be so much worse." 

&

"Because there is a God, things will always get better."

~

These are mottoes I've lived by my entire life. And to an extent, they've gotten me through. I have worked just about anywhere that would hire me. I've done everything from getting paid to pick up dog crap to running my own department on a film set. I've also served hundreds of cups of coffee and washed probably thousands of dishes. 

So what's the sudden issue?

I started doing these things (minus the film set gig) when I was 18. Now, I'm 23 and I was just washing dishes yesterday, at a cafe, paying me part time minimum wage.

*vomit*

Maybe this shouldn't bother me as much as it does. I was still humble enough to accept it a month ago when I was interviewed on the spot. I'm not sure how to make this sound like I'm not ungrateful. Because God knows- I AM! Work is hard to find right now. But you know what, it isn't for my Father. And I just feel like these last near 6 years have flown by and I'm in the same(ish) spot I was when I started. 

Granted, my heart has changed. My preferences, views & experiences have all changed. 

But I'm ready to move on now. 

I'm not 18 anymore and I have a say in where my life is headed.

EIGHTEEN

-living with other people

-not in school

-earning minimum wage

-no licence

-no car

-no boyfriend

-not in church

TWENTY THREE

-living with other people

-not in school

-earning minimum wage

-licence and insurance

-awesome car

-dating the man I'm going to marry

-attending the best church I've ever been a part of

So some things are definitely going right. Important things, thankfully. 

And I believe God is looking to bless me even further this year. 

I feel a shift in my spirit ~ like it's time for school. At the very least, like it's time to up the annie. Time for a job that will help me in the direction of my dreams.

It's a good feeling :)

I am

Olli

{ps}

This has made my life a lot easier today. I usually use any ole scrap laying around but that usually gets lost or thrown away. Not to say that this one won't too, but download it for free anyway! To-Do List created by A Pair of Pears.com

in which: every day...

I dream a little bit about living in a place like this.

Mountains, fields of flowers, log cabin, animals, a wonderful husband, curious children... and the air.

Oh that sweet & playful, cool, wide open AIR.

Just another fingerprint of my Papa.

Like his breath on my face.

It excites me to witness the road he is taking us on that will lead to our dreams. Such an adventure. Of course, I can be quite impatient at times. What a comfort though, it has been to realize that his love and grace are big enough to cover my imperfection. It's silly how we are constantly trying to cover up our humaness. Brokeness. When this was how he made us. The new book I started is called Beautiful Outlaw by John Eldredege. In it, he talks a lot about the intimacy Jesus desires (and always desired) with us. How we are his friends. His family. How praying unto him with names such as "Oh Holy Anointed One of Hosts", "God Almighty on High", and all that jazz - it only distances his image from our minds. You wouldn't walk up to your husband and be like, "Hello Gracious Leader of our Household" or to a friend and say, "Greetings Faithful Brethren whom I love". And not to take away from the truth in these statements, as the intention behind them is good, but... how weird would that be? If he is our father, why not call him Dad? Papa? Abba? FRIEND, even. For those waiting to meet their earthly bride & grooms, you could even go as far as calling him Sweetheart, My Love, Lovely. Admittedly, I'm not sure that I'm even ready to make that leap (into terms of endearment), but you get what I'm saying. My love was the one who told me about the book, but I suggest you look it up too. We could all learn a lot.

~

And my point in all this is, I trust the one I am with. I trust Matthew. I trust my friends. Of everyone I know, why would I not trust Papa the most? That he surely knows what he's doing by now. That he has lead thousands before me and will lead thousands after me. That all I have do is trust him with today.

In the words he spoke to my love on that car ride home one night,

"These times are precious too."

I am

Olli

in which: i am twenty two

"If you are twenty-two, physically fit, hungry to learn and be better, I urge you to travel - as far and as widely as possible. Sleep on the floor if you have to. Find out how other people live and eat and cook. Learn from them - wherever you go."

Anthony Bourdain

in which: i am encouraged

Photo by Shreve Stockton

I'm having a dreamer's kind of day. Especially considering I've been inside most of the day (although it's gorgeous out there). But somebody's gotta get this Spring cleaning done!

I feel like all I've read in the last month has had to do with gardening, farming, traveling. I'm reading Barnheart by Jenna Woginrich right now (I've mentioned her before - "Dreamer's Disease") and it is such a beautifully detailed memoir. In the first couple of chapters she recounts her move to Vermont and the time spent trying to find an ample location that would allow her to carry out some of the skills she'd acquired over the last year in homesteading - gardening, farming, raising livestock and the like. Finally, she finds a small rural home for rent on a few acres and although the land has not been cultivated or worked on in what looks like years, the possibilities seem endless and her excitement boundless.

"My eyes scanned the property, my mind gathering ideas. The open area around the cabin seemed to be about an acre, maybe slightly more. The clearing was surrounded by a windbreak of trees. I could hear the rushing of the cold creek that circled the property line. There was rat's nest of field fencing behind the shed, possibly used to hold leaves for composting at the edge of the woods. A few cinder blocks were stacked by an old woodpile. I could already imagine a hive of bees swarming there, happily buzzing, their legs heavy with yellow pollen. I sharply inhaled a lungful of cold air, and Jazz (my dog) looked up at me as if something were wrong. "Good Christ..." I realized aloud, "this place is going to change everything."  Barnheart - Jenna Woginrich

Oh, how I long for this.
I remember begging my parents if we could live on a place with property. Just an acre even. Could we have chickens? A chicken?? A donkey? Something?! I would tape sheets of copy paper together, making a giant poster of sorts, and draw a small country home with a barn and chickens and a garden, a donkey, a big brown pig, dogs, cats, you name it! I went through a phase of only shopping at Western Wear stores. I wore my Mom's boots and bought men's flannel shirts from Goodwill, took riding lessons from a neighbor's daughter who had not one but three horses and borrowed all her Phantom Stallion books. Every time I'd ask my Dad for any of these things he'd get excited with me and always answer with an emphatic,"YES!" or "Of course we can!" Eventually though it became apparent that none of these promises were going to come true. I became frustrated over his empty promises and bitterly wished he would just tell me NO verses filling my heart with false hope. "Maybe when you get married you can do all these things", my mother would say. "Married?! That won't be for forever! Like in 30 YEARS!" I'd exclaim, exasperated by the thought of it.

But you know, things have changed. And I guess it didn't take 30 years to meet someone after all (hehe). God is moving. He's changing our perspective and giving us new hope everyday. Many of my dreams are the same, I still want a donkey. I want a family. I want to learn how to make the most out of the land my God has created, the passions he's instilled in me. It puts a smile on my face to think of Him, before I was born, in the psalm of His hand, excitedly and carefully putting me together. Getting creative: "Let's give her... green eyes! And an acute sense of hearing. She'll love to sing and have this bothersome interest in handling powerful birds. Also, an intense compassion for others and a needy desire for wanting to be held a lot. And tomatoes, she'll love tomatoes." Maybe it didn't go quite like that. But I have fun thinking that it might have gone something akin to it. For now, it's back to vacuuming.

And daydreaming.

Photo by Cassoday Harder

I am

Olli